Thursday, December 27, 2012

From Hud to Eternity

From Hud to Eternity
To Hud, From Jesse. Christmas 2012
Stage direction: Hudson shall read all lines in bold

There once was a Hud
If a Hud ever there was
He lived under The Hague
With his trio of cuz

They lived below the water
And below the soot
And below the fish gills
At the waaaaaaaay bottom underfoot

Their home was quite nice
‘If I do say so myself!’
The furniture made of bouncy balls
Not an inch devoid of snackful treats on the shelf

You might ask yourself,
‘Hey, why do I live down there?’
It’s a fair question to ask
Once we find out why KK cut your hair

But I digress!
Back to the story
Of how the Hud saved Christmas
And all the public school kids at Maury

See there was this terrible oppression
A sin that filled the sky
The world had kind of gone to poop
I’m not going to lie

When the Tohts attacked—
‘I thought I killed those silly bastards yeaaarrrrrs ago!’
The humans all scurried
Hiding high and low

The elders hid in the clouds
The moms and dads hid in the mountains
The teenagers at Maury were stuck in their classrooms
And the little ones like Hud snuck away down the fountains

The horrible Tohts!
With their breath like leftover tuna!
And their butts like tapioca!
‘Oh boy, they sure were a bunch of goon’as’

How can we save them?
The sweet cousins asked
‘Those public school kids need us!’
The Hud declared at last.

So they devised a plan
It seemed quite odd at first
‘I’m actually feeling quite snackful
I’ll kill the Tohts with fart bursts.’

Eat Huddie eat
Eat with all your might
‘I ate the Tostitos and Goldfish and Milky Way bars too’
He ate and he ate and he ate through the night.

The poor school children were about to starve…
Hud kissed his sweet cousins goodbye…
He took a deep breath…
And crossed himself, ready to die…

I was never afraid, really though’
Hud would tell his cousins later
‘I mean, you’ve smelled my farts
They could kill an alligator’

Huddie swam out from his home
And the vile Thots descended
They reached with their filthy claws
All Hud had was his butt to defend’im

It didn’t take long
‘Was barely just a toot’
Huddie unleashed his fart dragon
And the Thots all dropped into the soot

Hud, you saved Christmas!
The Maury students cheered
‘You’re the man, man!’ Minty Dove yelled
‘Somebody buy this guy a beer!’

‘I don’t drink’ the Hud said
An honest man to the end
Living under the Hague with his cousins
A hero and best friend.

The end.