Tuesday, February 17, 2009

25 Random Things About The Asshole At My Coffee Shop

location: Norfolk, VA
more specific location: Fairgrounds Coffee, Colley Ave.


1 (jerk-o)

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about that regular at Fairgrounds who annoys the hell out of you.

1. I can hear you slurping your cappuccino from 20 feet away. You sound like that machine at the dentist that takes away the extra saliva.

2. We all see you bring the Pilot into the bathroom with you, all folded up and semi-hidden against your side.

3. And we all know what you do in there.

4. You think you’re flirting with the baristas. They think that you’re being affected by some combination of your girlfriend breaking up with you/you’re on uppers/and you developed a case of asperger’s syndrome.

5. Once you were sitting there doing nothing and Hollywood came up to me and said, “That man nasty.”

6. I asked, “Why do you think that, Hollywood?” And she responded, “He just look chewy or something.”

7. Once when you were little something super embarrassing happened to you. You’ll never get over it. And people from your hometown still know you by that nickname.

8. That child you bring around and say is your kid isn’t. It’s a rent-a-kid. We all know it.

9. But fuck, that kid is one hell of an actor.

10. Where does one hire a child?

11. But I digress.

12. The person you’re talking to on your cell phone is actually treating their phone like a choo-choo train when you talk, and is running it along their arm. Anything is more interesting than you.

13. I can’t lie: you have a lovely gait. You’re like a deer skipping around from berry to berry, trying to find the right fruit.

14. Please put your shoes back on. For real. They’re like the feet of some old wizard.

15. I feel your eyes on me. They burn my skin but I’m afraid to look because I’m not sure my retinas can withstand the stare of your gorgeous green eyes.

16. I bet you like going to adolescent dance contents, don’t you, you perv?

17. We all know that you’re really just a money-grubbing yuppie masquerading as a hipster. Stop referencing Bon Iver. Please.

18. If you have to reference something, reference my leadership. For fuck’s sake.

19. I secretly love having fresh flowers around my house.

20. Shit. Forgot this was about you.

21. I’m so selfish. And needy. And sometimes I just feel like no one will ever love me, and if they did I wouldn’t have the self-esteem to let that love in. It’s like my heart is buried under a pile of scars and pain and steaming poop. Or at least that’s how it feels.

22. (crying)

23. (deep breath)

24. (shudder)

25. Can I by you a coffee?

1 comment:

Momma said...

OMFG this was a scream... I still have tears streaming down my face...