Tuesday, February 17, 2009

25 Random Things About The Asshole At My Coffee Shop

location: Norfolk, VA
more specific location: Fairgrounds Coffee, Colley Ave.


1 (jerk-o)

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about that regular at Fairgrounds who annoys the hell out of you.

1. I can hear you slurping your cappuccino from 20 feet away. You sound like that machine at the dentist that takes away the extra saliva.

2. We all see you bring the Pilot into the bathroom with you, all folded up and semi-hidden against your side.

3. And we all know what you do in there.

4. You think you’re flirting with the baristas. They think that you’re being affected by some combination of your girlfriend breaking up with you/you’re on uppers/and you developed a case of asperger’s syndrome.

5. Once you were sitting there doing nothing and Hollywood came up to me and said, “That man nasty.”

6. I asked, “Why do you think that, Hollywood?” And she responded, “He just look chewy or something.”

7. Once when you were little something super embarrassing happened to you. You’ll never get over it. And people from your hometown still know you by that nickname.

8. That child you bring around and say is your kid isn’t. It’s a rent-a-kid. We all know it.

9. But fuck, that kid is one hell of an actor.

10. Where does one hire a child?

11. But I digress.

12. The person you’re talking to on your cell phone is actually treating their phone like a choo-choo train when you talk, and is running it along their arm. Anything is more interesting than you.

13. I can’t lie: you have a lovely gait. You’re like a deer skipping around from berry to berry, trying to find the right fruit.

14. Please put your shoes back on. For real. They’re like the feet of some old wizard.

15. I feel your eyes on me. They burn my skin but I’m afraid to look because I’m not sure my retinas can withstand the stare of your gorgeous green eyes.

16. I bet you like going to adolescent dance contents, don’t you, you perv?

17. We all know that you’re really just a money-grubbing yuppie masquerading as a hipster. Stop referencing Bon Iver. Please.

18. If you have to reference something, reference my leadership. For fuck’s sake.

19. I secretly love having fresh flowers around my house.

20. Shit. Forgot this was about you.

21. I’m so selfish. And needy. And sometimes I just feel like no one will ever love me, and if they did I wouldn’t have the self-esteem to let that love in. It’s like my heart is buried under a pile of scars and pain and steaming poop. Or at least that’s how it feels.

22. (crying)

23. (deep breath)

24. (shudder)

25. Can I by you a coffee?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

poem: Derek In The Sky With Diamonds

location: Cape Town

Derek In The Sky With Diamonds

Derek the coloured bulldog
'I'm rough, me bru,'
he tells me.
A dozen stab scars
burnt toast crust
on his honey whole wheat skin.

He quit his job
making 250 Rand, full time, per week
(look it up do the math deal with it)
'My hands were so sore
I couldn't hold a cup of tea.'
'I told my boss I would work
for him the rest of my life.'
'650 Rand.'
Derek grew up panhandling and snatch and grabbing and sleeping on Long Street
and sometimes on his family farm
the times his family
decided to be family.

Did I mention that Derek's one of the
funniest people I know?

Shame kept him
from admitting to the house mother
he quit his job.
Shame forced him home to the streets for
two weeks when he was found out.

'Why do you look so skinny?'
I asked him when I got off the plane.
'He'll tell you later,' someone said.

The definition of manhood:
unannounced, unwanted, unloved
he shows up at work.
As he approaches his boss
the white man's head shaking No, no, no
Derek keeps pushing forward
extends his hand
(his stubby little hand)
says he's sorry
shakes the man's hand
apologizes again
'No, no, no, you're too late. Job's gone.'
and Derek walks away
smiling and proud,
tongue wagging
if you could see it through his teeth.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

What I've been writing

I've had a couple stories posted on a cool new website, 24SevenCities.com. Check them out.

Some movie reviews:

A fun story about ODU trying to start up a marching band:

I'll post a little something from Cape Town in the next few days.

Love, thebabyjesu