Wednesday, March 11, 2009

some Xhosa history

from way back in the day:

- Females were prohibited from pronouncing the names of any of their husband's male relatives in the ascending line, or any words whatever in which the principal syllables of such names occur.
- The Xhosa could describe events only as happening before or after some remarkable occurrence, such as the death of the chief.
- Battles consisted of a series of individual encounters, in which the bravest combatants on each side challenge each other by name, and when one falls, another is called upon by the victor to take his place.
- They kept chickens, but made no use of either their flesh or their eggs.
- They had no idea of reward or punishment in a world to come for acts committed in this life, and each of the commonality denies the immortality of his own soul.
- When a common person died their body was dragged away and left to beasts of prey.
- Sometimes a person intimates that he has received revelations from the spirit world. He is really a monomaniac, but if his statements are believed his power at once becomes greater than that of the highest chief, and his commands are implicitly obeyed.
- No one pretends to know anything about a trade which does not belong to his own family.
- Stealing cattle is not a crime; when caught the thief must make ample restitution, but no disgrace attaches to it, and they have no religious scruples concerning it.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

question of the day

What's more ornery, that I have a maid, or that the first thing she does when she comes in is makes herself a sandwich?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

25 Random Things About The Asshole At My Coffee Shop



location: Norfolk, VA
more specific location: Fairgrounds Coffee, Colley Ave.

statistics:

1 (jerk-o)


Rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about that regular at Fairgrounds who annoys the hell out of you.

1. I can hear you slurping your cappuccino from 20 feet away. You sound like that machine at the dentist that takes away the extra saliva.

2. We all see you bring the Pilot into the bathroom with you, all folded up and semi-hidden against your side.

3. And we all know what you do in there.

4. You think you’re flirting with the baristas. They think that you’re being affected by some combination of your girlfriend breaking up with you/you’re on uppers/and you developed a case of asperger’s syndrome.

5. Once you were sitting there doing nothing and Hollywood came up to me and said, “That man nasty.”

6. I asked, “Why do you think that, Hollywood?” And she responded, “He just look chewy or something.”

7. Once when you were little something super embarrassing happened to you. You’ll never get over it. And people from your hometown still know you by that nickname.

8. That child you bring around and say is your kid isn’t. It’s a rent-a-kid. We all know it.

9. But fuck, that kid is one hell of an actor.

10. Where does one hire a child?

11. But I digress.

12. The person you’re talking to on your cell phone is actually treating their phone like a choo-choo train when you talk, and is running it along their arm. Anything is more interesting than you.

13. I can’t lie: you have a lovely gait. You’re like a deer skipping around from berry to berry, trying to find the right fruit.

14. Please put your shoes back on. For real. They’re like the feet of some old wizard.

15. I feel your eyes on me. They burn my skin but I’m afraid to look because I’m not sure my retinas can withstand the stare of your gorgeous green eyes.

16. I bet you like going to adolescent dance contents, don’t you, you perv?

17. We all know that you’re really just a money-grubbing yuppie masquerading as a hipster. Stop referencing Bon Iver. Please.

18. If you have to reference something, reference my leadership. For fuck’s sake.

19. I secretly love having fresh flowers around my house.

20. Shit. Forgot this was about you.

21. I’m so selfish. And needy. And sometimes I just feel like no one will ever love me, and if they did I wouldn’t have the self-esteem to let that love in. It’s like my heart is buried under a pile of scars and pain and steaming poop. Or at least that’s how it feels.

22. (crying)

23. (deep breath)

24. (shudder)

25. Can I by you a coffee?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

poem: Derek In The Sky With Diamonds

location: Cape Town

Derek In The Sky With Diamonds

Derek the coloured bulldog
'I'm rough, me bru,'
he tells me.
A dozen stab scars
burnt toast crust
on his honey whole wheat skin.

He quit his job
making 250 Rand, full time, per week
(look it up do the math deal with it)
'My hands were so sore
I couldn't hold a cup of tea.'
'I told my boss I would work
for him the rest of my life.'
'650 Rand.'
Derek grew up panhandling and snatch and grabbing and sleeping on Long Street
and sometimes on his family farm
the times his family
decided to be family.

Did I mention that Derek's one of the
funniest people I know?
(Nevermind).

Shame kept him
from admitting to the house mother
he quit his job.
Shame forced him home to the streets for
two weeks when he was found out.

'Why do you look so skinny?'
I asked him when I got off the plane.
'He'll tell you later,' someone said.

The definition of manhood:
6:30AM
unannounced, unwanted, unloved
he shows up at work.
As he approaches his boss
the white man's head shaking No, no, no
Derek keeps pushing forward
extends his hand
(his stubby little hand)
says he's sorry
shakes the man's hand
apologizes again
'No, no, no, you're too late. Job's gone.'
and Derek walks away
smiling and proud,
tongue wagging
if you could see it through his teeth.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

What I've been writing

I've had a couple stories posted on a cool new website, 24SevenCities.com. Check them out.

Some movie reviews:
http://www.24sevencities.com/features/entertainment/film/films-to-make-you-believe-in-films-again-2.html

A fun story about ODU trying to start up a marching band:
http://www.24sevencities.com/features/entertainment/sports/making-the-band.html

I'll post a little something from Cape Town in the next few days.

Love, thebabyjesu

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

If I was a comedian

I might tell jokes like, When you have a big poop, and the toilet is having a hard time flushing it, do you root for or against that thing?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The people that make NyQuil are badgood

I'm pretty sick right now, so I just drank a bunch of NyQuil. Did it always taste this good? I just got some Italian bread and dipped it in the dose cup. Delicious. I'm probably addicted, but I don't care. Maybe I'll care in, like, a year, when I'll have to write a teary goodbye letter to cherry NyQuil. But until that day...

enjoy the queen responsibly. (Queen is pictured above.)