Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Letter from Eindhoven Airport... And some new laws for society

location  Eindhoven Airport, Holland

statistics

1 (nightly gay forest orgies)
1 (boisterous Buckies)
1 (airport policemen who clearly learned English from Nick at Night)

My Dear Fellow Clergymen,

While confined here at the Eindhoven Airport, I came across your recent statement calling my activities "unwise and untimely." Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas, but since my flight doesn't leave for 30 hours, and it is raining outside, and since the buses are on strike so I'm stuck here, and since the mean policeman won't let me sleep in peace behind the KLM Royal Dutch Airlines desk, I want to try to answer your statements in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms. 

What follows are my ideas while confined here at the airport. I am here because the injustices of being fired as a sailor and rejecting a job as an Italian club promoter have brought me here. My brothers, here are some new laws for worldwide society: 

IF cops are going to be assholes, they should at least use ridiculous phrasing with a straight face
When I was trying to get some sleep by the KLM desk, all comfy on the blow-up camping mattress I carry around with me, the craggly old airport cop nudged me awake. 
'Can't sleep here.'
'Where can I sleep?' I asked.
'Outside,' he said.
'Really? Right over there?' I asked, pointing out the window.
'Not unless you want to get arrested for vagrancy,' he said. 
Did he learn English from the Andy Griffith Show? Vagrancy? The only way he could have done better is if he had threatened to to take me to the county line where I'd be Jessamine County's trouble.

THE accommodation of napping should be enforced by a general societal will, like the way a herd of buffalo will risk death by rallying together to save a baby buffalo from a lion. 
Aren't we all on the same page that napping is good for man and beast? We're all still babies, anyway. When we're upset most likely its just that we're hungry or tired. Facilitating napping is, like, a half step away from buying malaria nets for poor Africans. 

I decree that there should a simple code to make things easier. The Napper should approach the other person who has a reasonable napping space in their midst with large, saddish eyes, hands pressed in prayer against one cheek, and engage in a wary, gypsy nod. Each type of person has rote responses. 
Older woman: Sure thing, hon. 
Older man: It's a friend world, kid. 
Younger woman: Totally!
Younger man: Go for it, dude.

But let's not ask children if we can nap with them. Unless they are are child beauty pageant contestants and are dressed anything like hookers. In that case, we should sex them to teach them a lesson about dressin' decent. New rule:

LET'S all agree to get sexy with the child beauty pageant kids to teach them a lesson they'll never forget
This rule is kind of obvious, like how we should all return a dollar that we see fall out of somebody's pocket, so I don't even need to talk about it. 

MARKETERS should never use common nouns in their jingles
In my endless hours at the airport I heard their theme song over and over. The tune was nearly exactly the music that would come on when Job from Arrested Development did magic. Except with one twist. Every few seconds somebody would shout 'Airport!' Now this is just asinine. They didn't even say Eindhoven Airport. Just bloody 'Airport!' That's like Nike making a commercial where they just yell 'Sneakers!' over and over. Stupid.

MOMS should have come up with better ways of criticizing their kids
While sitting around drafting an email (in my mind) to my ex-girlfriend (which I guess is something that happens when you're doing nothing for so long), I considered using the phrase 'You pushed and you pushed and you pushed too far.' This is something my mom used to scold me with when I was little. This got me thinking of other things she'd say. 'I don't think you're cute and I don't think you're funny' was one of her favorites. When I got a little older she used to call me 'Little Hitler.' 

Shit. No wonder I'm a secret cutting, trying too hard, self-hating Jew that is afraid of push-pops. 

UNRULY, PAINFUL CAMPING BAGS SHOULD ALL BE THROWN IN THE RIVER
Who am I kidding? Where am I going where there's not flat ground for suitcase wheels?What, I was planning on climbing trees in Europe and needing all my stuff to make a life in the upper boughs? Honestly. 

THE SELFISH gays of Eindhoven should not have their sex orgies in the woods by the airport
So not having money I was going to put my bags in a locker and sleep in the woods. When I mentioned this to the nice girl at the information desk she shook her head.

'That's where the gays go at night to do their thing. Sometimes we drive by and flash our high beams at them and watch them scatter,' she said, giggling. 'You'd be in for a very interesting night.' 

So I had to find a way to town and get an ornery hostel where a straight couple kept me up half the night having completely unabashed sex on the top of a squeaky bunk. And I didn't even catch a flash of skin! Ornery.

IF YOU'RE going to have sex with your girlfriend in a hostel room full of dudes (and only dudes), please have your girlfriend be louder than you. Please. Please, fella. 
Seriously.

MORE PEOPLE should be like R. Buckminister Fuller
I read about him in the New Yorker. He's an excerpt: 
"Bucky was a boisterous but hopelessly nearsighted child; until he was fitted with glasses, he refused to believe that the world was not blurry. Like all Fuller men, he was sent off to Harvard. Halfway through his freshman year, he withdrew his tuition money from the bank to entertain some chorus girls in Manhattan."
Bucky also invented a dome that didn't really work. He wore three watches at all times. He was one of the original proponents of tiny cars. And that's about all I have to say from this stupid airport. 

Yours for the cause of peace and brotherhood,

Jesse Moses Scaccia

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