location: Associated Press Building, New York City
9 (dudes heavy breathing in a maintenance room)
at every turn (plagiarisms)
1 (stories about a mysterious 'Pigman' Bubsy pitched to the city editor)
So we're all sitting around the naked draft board, toasting some marshmallows in its eternal warmth, wondering where Big Snake is so we can do the damn thing, when I notice that Josh looks horrible. Scraggly beard, not an lick of fat on him, hollow cheeks, he looks like the kid from Into the Wild. 'You okay, Josh?' I ask him.
'Yeah, B,' he says in a dry, guttural whisper.
'Why do you look like that?' I ask.
His eyes widen and glow a little red, like he's a raccoon in the flashlight light. 'Since I got the first pick I've been in the woods near Ipswich, just guarding this thing.'
All of a sudden the sound of a bugle fills the room. A tiny mouse dressed as a 16th Century courier enters the room. He unrolls a piece of parchment paper and grandly reads something no one can hear, and the end of which a fierce wind throws opens the door. Enter Big Snake.
'Why are you late?' Mikey asks.
Big Snake takes his time disrobing. Then he answers. 'As commissioner I exercised my Draft Night Right to bang one of Adam's ladies until she loses her mind.' He snickers and adjusts his mighty crotch. 'Adam, you may want to take Ms. Idaho Falls to see the doctor when you get a chance.'
The little mouse laughs his ass off. The menacing sound of nine grown men shuffling 75 pages of draft notes each fills the room. And I behold when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there is a great earthquake; and the sun becomes black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon becomes as blood.
Some notable picks:
1. Josh takes Alex Rodriguez.
2. Bubsy's iPhone takes Jose Reyes.
6. James isn't here, so we take the best 2B in baseball for him, Chase Utley.
9. Jake has the choice between Cabrera and Ryan Braun. 'I wasn't expecting this,' he says, worriedly. Jake sits quietly alternating between smiling like the Joker and placing his hands to his cheeks like 'The Scream.' Luckily his brother Pat is there to give him a Sipps.
10. Its my turn, and holy shit, has there been a lot of speculation about this pick on the net. One of those overweight divorcees that works at TMZ.com has been following me around all week. I ask Jeff for advice, and he tells me that with fame comes the fishbowl, my man. I pick Santana. I turn around, expecting to see a lot of flashbulbs and flesh, but everyone is gone.
5. We give James slugging 3B Ryan Braun, setting off the first chorus of, 'That's actually a really nice pick.'
8. Mayhew takes some 2B from Cincinnati. The smell of warm challah fills the maintenance room. 'Is that coming from Mayhew?' Adam asks. 'I sure hope not,' Mikey says.
2. Bubsy takes Ichiro. Holy mackerel is his team fast.
8. Jeff takes C.C. Sabathia and then leaves to move his car. 'I'll be back by my next pick,' he says cheerfully. He is not seen again for 10 rounds.
4. Adam takes the oldest of pigs, Magglio Ordonez. When somebody tells Adam that Magglio has been on human growth hormone the past few years and probably won't be very good anymore, Adam looks like he is in great pain. Getting out my little vial of morphine pills, I give him one and tell him to let it dissolve on his tongue. Never have I seen such a wonderful change in a man. I feel like I have done the kindest deed in my life.
5- 10. Bubsy leaves to smoke a cigarette. Jake gets nervous and searches for him, and that's when he finds Bubsy pitching his Pigman story to the city editor. Jake takes Bubsy by the loose skin of his neck and carries him with his teeth back to the newspapers spread on the floor in the corner. Jake kneels over and whispers something to Bubsy, who responds by licking Jake's nose just once. We are all in love again.
5. We give James Carlos Guillen. 'That's really a phenomenal pick,' somebody says. 'Precisely,' the rest of us say. Somebody (WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS) logs into mtv.com, pulls up a story James wrote about some singer-songwriter/orphan from Bayonne, and he humps a hole through the screen.
8. Mayhew takes John Lackey. He's a top-10 SP, nice pick. Mayhew smells like a marble loaf. 'You know he's picking well when starts reeking like Jewish-favored breads,' Mikey points out quite astutely.
5. We give James up-and-coming SP Adam Wainwright. Just as the Pats is grabbing the red marker the lights go out. Cacophony. The intolerable sound of Adam crying. The little mouse goes screaming down the road, waving old racing forms in the air. There is a yelp then a crash. The lights come back on. Most everyone is where they were, Mayhew and Jeff are naked on the ground, but no one can find poor Josh. When Mayhew and Jeff get up we find him. Apparently the lads were trying to do some maneuver and Mayhew was tossed from the table, crushing all of Josh's bones.
(Later, when Adam calls the hospital to check on Josh, the doctor is furious. 'We've started an abuse investigation on this,' the doctor says. 'And, oh, your cat is dead.')
2. At this point Bubsy hasn't heard of any of the players left so he starts taking people he knows. With the second pick in the round he takes his landlord, George Sherrill.
2. Bubsy is out of people he knows, so he starts taking movie characters. This round he goes with Michael Bourn.
6. We realize that James' team is legitimately good so, like the gallant gentlemen we are, we decide to ignore his slot for the last three rounds.
9. Everybody is losing it. Jake tries to take 'towels.' We try to convince him otherwise, but he insists.
Josh, Adam, and the Pats are dead. Using a rope Jake ties several bodies together and has Mayhew drag them down from the mountain. It saves us a lot of energy.
8. C.J. Wilson, Pirates, by Jeff. Not a bad late-round pick.
After the draft we do a lot of this
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Overall, it was a great success, considering nobody's mom was called a whore and my team is in good position to repeat. Many thanks to Jake for scoring us the AP. The Pats looks to have he best team, and the fact that he's dead really shouldn't hurt him. This is fantasy. You don't have much control when you are alive. When you die, you won't have control of your roster either.